the world belongs to the brave

That’s it, I’ve had it. I’ve got beef. Big time. With the English language. After having spend several years abroad using English as the primary language my eloquence in English exceeds my wordsmithery in Swedish. Not necessarily because I speak English like a native. I don’t. Rather due to the fact that I speak Swedish approximately 30 minutes a week. The result? My English is good for what it is, i.e. not native. My Swedish is bad for what it is, i.e. native. Despite my obsession and love for words, my lingual skills aren’t fine-tuned in either language.

The thing with languages is that you can’t learn every rule, every expression.  If you haven’t realized already, let me open your eyes to the truth about English. In terms of spelling vs. pronunciation, it just doesn’t make sense. At all. A reason behind this is that English is, more than other languages, a whore. Whenever another language passes by, English will open its legs and take it all. There are so many influences from other languages, and sometimes words have kept their original spelling but gotten a new pronunciation.

The difference between native speakers and non-native speakers of any language is that natives accept that certain things just are. They don’t wonder why “pronounce” is pronounced pro-nuns although there’s clearly a noun in the middle and the word “noun” is pronounced naown, so why isn’t it pro-naowns? (And to make matters worse, “pronunciation” is spelled with a “nun” and not a “noun”. I mean, come on English, cut me some slack!) Native speakers don’t question the logic behind why a six-letter word like “phlegm” is meant to come out as a four letter sound. Do you know what I see when I see that word? I see peh-leg-umm. Native speakers aren’t bothered by the inconsistency. They know it’s pronaownsed flem and if you ask them why they’ll probably tell you that that’s just how it is. Possibly, they’ll laugh at you too.

To some, these are crumbles.

And now, I have had enough. There will be no more trying to make dirty jokes and failing fatally by mixing up appendix and appendage. There will be no more confusion between wenches and wrenches. There will be no more getting smirked at after having proclaimed that my sandwich left a lot of crumbles on the table. No more being called cute for not knowing how many Ls there are in “metal” (one, as it turns out).

My ever-supporting boyfriend, a native English speaker, has assured me on several occasions that English is surely not out to get me, but I take it personally. English has made me its bitch for 20 years and now it’s payback time –I am going native on English’s butt! Even if it means that I have to sit with dictionaries and thesauruses and take notes on words I don’t know and harass every native speaker I know about idioms, pronunciation, spelling and word-use. (And that is what it means, and that is what I do.)

So how to go about it, when you need to precipitate the speed of your vocabulary influx, without having to take classes or just twiddling your thumbs hoping that what you pick up as you go along will be enough? Expanding your vocabulary isn’t necessarily all that difficult. And mind you, this doesn’t just go out to English learners, native speakers have a thing or two to learn as well.

My best friend.

Dictionary. com has turned out to be my best friend in my quest to kick English’s butt. If you want to pimp your text, go to their thesaurus and search for synonyms to replace that same old word you have already repeated five times in the last paragraph. When you occasionally stumble over a word you don’t know the meaning or pronunciation of, write it down and pop over to their dictionary when you have time. Since they know what a bitch English can sometimes be, they also write out the word according to how it’s pronaownsed and have an audio tool for each word.

Dictionariy.com’s possibly greatest contribution to non-native and native English speakers the same is the Word Dynamo tool. In Word Dynamo, you can make a ten-question test to see an estimation of how many words you know. You can practice already existing vocabulary lists on many different levels, and more importantly, create your own flash cards. So after you have looked up snazzy synonyms and checked word definitions, take all your new words and put them in your very own word list and start practicing.

Have I not managed to convince you yet? Perhaps you’re one of those who think that learning words is boring and I’m just a big linguistic geek. Well. I am a big linguistic geek, it’s part of my charm, but words can be confusing, amazing and downright hilarious. I don’t want to sound grandiloquent and I certainly don’t want to discombobulate you, but no matter who you are, if you’re a gastromancer, ecdysiast or calliphygian, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. After all, who wants talk like a troglodyte? I challenge you to take a word quiz on my very own list of funny and absurd words. Click on the link below, chose your quiz type (I’d suggest match) and see how many of these words you recognize. Do me a favor and post your score in the comments section of this post.

Enough with the folderol, to the Bat Mobile! Funny words | Word Dynamo.

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Punctuation is also important.

◊ Alex